death intrigues me, and death scares me. i’ve always had a fascination yet fear of it. fascination because the idea of simply ceasing to exist is unsettling and thought provoking. death is the only certain thing in this world, yet the only thing that no one has ever experienced and lived to tell. i have written in the past about the curious idea of inmates choosing their last earthly meal before being sent to death row. some choose large home cooked meals, some choose bowls of ice cream, others nothing at all. yet death scares me more and more as i grow older. i realize what i have to lose. i realize that there will always be places i won’t get to see and people i won’t get to meet. as i’ve grown up, i’ve met people that i cannot imagine leaving behind. or on the flip side, there are people whose souls i cannot imagine dying. the mere thought of one of these people’s existence being put out is enough to make me want to corral them in a room, lock the door, and never leave.
some hearts i don’t think i’ll ever be able to meet again. some people are just too unique to believe that there are duplicates somewhere in the world. each love is so beautifully different, and each one is difficult to let go of. these people make me fear death more than anything because i am so terribly incapable of saying goodbye. some souls i have never met, for example chris mccandless, yet i feel such a pull to them and their lives that i cannot fathom the fact that they are no longer on earth.
dead bodies also have an effect on me- the effect that is both though provoking and fear causing. i wish to enter the medical field and find cadavers incredible. i do not fear dead bodies. yet imagining the dead bodies of one of those close to me is unfathomable. seeing someone that i once shared thoughts, emotions, physical contact, and memories with yet knowing that they are no longer there is unsettling. not to mention the thought about where that person’s soul has gone- if anywhere. i think that this uncertainty and need for answers is why people turn to religion. it is easiest if you simply imagine your or someone else’s soul going to heaven rather than believing that there is nothing more.
for myself, i don’t necessarily fear death. rather, i fear missing out on life- missing out on places, people, and events. i fear the death of those close to me. i have come to know a few beautiful laughs, hearts, and souls that i just cannot fathom living without. for them, i am beyond thankful.
we as a society don’t talk about death. we fear it to the point that we don’t want to even consider it. instead, we look past it and hope for a life beyond death. even the talk of death makes people squirm. however, these are the things that i enjoy talking about. i like thinking about things that make people, including myself, uncomfortable. we have one life. make it count.